


The Gang Finds a Police Scanner

by dennren



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: F/M, Fast and Furious, Gen, M/M, The Dukes of Hazzard, just imagine it's an episode get you over season 10 being over, tagged MacDennis and Chardee if you're desperate but it's mild
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-03
Updated: 2015-04-03
Packaged: 2018-03-21 03:00:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3674928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dennren/pseuds/dennren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frank and Charlie find a police scanner under a bridge, the gang pounces. Charlie and Frank recruit Dee for some Fast and Furious-style street racing while Mac and Dennis play out some Dukes of Hazzard fantasies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Gain

Muffled shouting filled the dead air in Paddy’s Pub for a solid three minutes before Frank Reynolds scuttled in with head bent and the increasing bald spot atop it gleaming shiningly and greasily in the harsh lambency of the overhead lights. He was making a blind beeline for the bar and had soon zipped under it and behind Dee. Who didn’t quite have time to start yelling at him before Charlie banged in as well. 

“Frank give it baaack to me!”

“No Charlie! What the hell do you need it for? You can’t drive!”

“I found it dude! I should get to keep it. That’s the rule we’ve always lived by and if we break it now our lives will descend into complete chaos. If you wanna keep it---give me your ceramic pisspot.”

“Something else!” He hissed.

“I’m not listening to this anymore!” Dennis glared fiercely at all of them and snatched Frank/Charlie’s object from his hands. “What the hell is this?”

“Ohmygod, dude!” Mac pointed a beer at him. “I know what that is, it’s a police scanner dude. You know so you can here cops talking about robberies and shit in their cop cars. Total crime fighting device. Totally badass. Where’d you get it dude?”

“I, Mac, got it in scavenging near the bridge. And Frank totally stole it!”

“Excuse me?! Enough shouting please.” Dennis set the scanner on the bar. “You know I like this. I think it could be very useful. I think I’m going to keep it. Besides, you two have absolutely no business operating a vehicle of any sort, and as the only person with a car here—“

“Totally have a car Dennis”

“Shut up Dee.” Mac said offly. “Dennis, you’re right. You should totally keep it. And I know exactly what we can use it for. Street racing. Evading cops, racing together like bros. Like the Dukes of Hazzard! Bo and Luke, you and me, right?” Mac’s eyes gleamed hopefully at his golden god, who started down at him in dumb disbelief before his attention was diverted back to his sort-of father.

“That isn’t what street racing is like anymore!” Frank said. “Don’t you read? I’m getting into the real action with that thing. Street racing like the kids are doing. Toe to toe, head to head, racing for pinks, drug stuff, winning women…”

“Are you describing Fast and Furious?”

“He’s absolutely describing Fast and Furious.”

“Well when I’m making shit tons of money racing gangsters you two can do your other redneck shit.”

“Frank, you’re not seriously telling me you want to race. Look at you, you short sad man. You can’t even see over a steering wheel.”

“I’m not going to be the one in the car, Dennis. Deandra is!”

“Do not rope me into this bullshit.”

“Deandra!”

“Nope.”

“Keep whatever money we make. I’m it in for the women anyway.”

Dee gripped her beer bottle tightly and her stare became foggy and vague. She was going to say yes.

“Hey! What’s my part in all this?”

“We need to get Dee’s car ready for the race, Charlie. She races, I’m the manager. You’re going to be the mechanic.”

“Oh, okay cool.”

Mac jumped up and did a fairly excellent karate move. “We are going to kick your asses at street racing, bitches! First team who gets arrested loses!”


	2. Preparation

Mac swung the welding torch through the air in a blurry blue arc.

“We’re sure this is a good idea, correct?” Dennis questioned.

They were standing outside the bar in front of Dennis’s car. It was hot and sunny out, and both had decided to forgo the safety equipment in order to keep cool when using the torch.

“Absolutely man, you have to weld the doors shut, it’s part of the rules of racing.”

“But if I want to pick up a fine lady tonight after I show my prowess behind the wheel, how will she be able to get into the vehicle?”

“She doesn’t, you buy a motorcycle.”

“What?”

“It’s Top Gun dude, now come on, I have the torch thing out already, I want to torch something. Can I do this now?”

“Ummmmmmmmmmmm no.”

Mac hulked the torch onto the pavement. “So what the hell am I doing?”

“I don’t know! I’m taking your lead on this somehow, for some reason. With total domineering and leashing on my part--but I am, I am. Now c’mon. Forget this for a minute. What else do we need. New tires? Cause I’m telling you I have not put air in these things in a very long time.”

“Well. Let me think. Oh! We can buy shirts. We need to look the part Dennis. Come on.”

Dennis stood very immobile a few feet from Mac. He stared quietly with a knitted brow. His mouth was slightly wet and open and he breathed lightly. He was going to say no.

“I’ll pay!”

Dennis was going to so say yes.

\- - -

“So tomorrow night I’ve got us at our first race. Are you going to be ready Charlie?”

Frank was sit-lying on the hood of Dee’s silver sedan. Charlie was screwing and hammering underneath it, lying on a board with his leg’s sticking out the front.

“Yup yup yup!”

Charlie wheeled out from under the car. He jumped up with an extra little bounce at the end of his arc. Then rolled his head, sniffed, and slung a toolbelt over his shoulder.

He was wearing a white tank top now covered in grease stains, if it hadn’t been already; and he had fit his mop of hair into a small blue cap. He sauntered around the car, circles and circles, addressing Frank, the air, probably himself:

“Alright so Dee’s car now has all the stuff they’ll be expecting to see at this race tomorrow when they pop the hood open. You’ve got your accelerators, your tubing, turbo engine, new brakes, your NOS…the basics, the basics. Don’t worry about it, I got it.”

Dee suddenly stormed out of her apartment building.

“What the hell are you bitches doing to my car??”

“Getting it ready Dee. Ready to race.” He made a gliding motion in an upward arc with his hands.

“Goddammit you two better not have ruined my car again!”

“Don’t worry about it Dee.” Charlie fell-stumbled in a manner meant to appear cool and aloof over to Dee and threw an arm over her shoulder. “You’re the driver. All you should be worrying about is the wheel. Are you ready Dee? Ready to put that eagle vision and super hand strength to use?”

“Well I know how to drive a car, Charlie. I think I’ll be fine.”

“It’s not driving Deandra it’s racing.”

“I’ve got it! Jesus! She shoved out from under him. Now please both of you go home and leave my car alone. It’s fucking late, what are you both even doing here.”

“Alright Dee. No hard feelings. We’re going. You’ll thank use tomorrow.”

“This car better run tomorrow goddammit!!” she called after their striding/waddling backs. They didn’t react, so she turned and went back inside. Still muttering a bit under her breath.

\- - -

“Good haul, right Dennis? I feel like you got a few too many shirts maybe. Like maybe we didn’t need that silk one you got.”

“We definitely needed the silk one. But what I’m starting to regret is not getting some of those super tight jeans you were all about. I’m re-framing your reasoning for buying those in my mind and thinking the sight could be quite a feast for the ladies.”

“Don’t worry! I got you a pair! Come on let’s go back to Paddy’s and rub our shit in their shit.”

Mac started to run off with his hands full of shopping bags, but Dennis wasn’t following.  
“Ah, Mac. I’m not so into Paddy’s tonight. I don’t really want to see them.”

“Wanna go to Sudz?”

“ehhhhhhh”

“No! I’ve got the perfect place!” He smiled widely and ran off again. Dennis cocked an eyebrow. Then followed.

 

They had already been seated when Dennis felt the need to voice concern. “I’m not sure about this,” he said concernedly.

The bar they were at was filled with neon light, and they were squashed around a small table. There were dancers and upbeat, ear-thumping music. Both usual for Dennis. But the dancers were also male, rather egregiously oiled up, in very bright tighty whities (especially so with the blacklight pouring over them) and cowboy hats of varying gaudiness. 

“How do you even know about this place?”

“I think it’s perfect to get into the spirit of things! Totally a bar Bo and Luke would go to right? Look at all the cowboy hats!”

“I do see them. It’s all I feel comfortable looking at actually.”

“Yeah!” Mac smiled incredibly broadly and watched the goings-on around him.

“Yeah.” Dennis echoed shaking his head the entire time.


	3. Loss

It was morning.

“Well stop hitting it that’s not going to help.”

“Godammit Dennis I can’t get this thing to work I don’t get it. I hate it.”

“Well did you—“ Dennis made a squinty face and did an odd nip-blasting motion in the air. “Gaah just--I’m driving you just figure it out!”

Dennis squirmed in his seat as he drove at a rather sedate pace down a quiet road. “…Fuck these jeans are uncomfortable to sit in…and hot.”

“I told you dude just unbutton your shirt more. I have and it is great.”

Dennis looked sideways at Mac’s almost toned body for a few seconds, which might have been many more had the police scanner not roared to life at that moment.

“Oh! oh shit I got it! Blow the horn!”

Dennis tapped the horn of the Range Rover and it horned the horn of a Range Rover.

“Yeah I didn’t get the damn horn don’t talk to me about it.” Dennis growled then sped off.

\- - -

“Dee for the last time, it is important to wear the outfit.”

“No! I’m not putting that spandex leather ripped thing on it is blistering out here I’ll get a heat stroke. Besides you and Frank aren’t wearing outfits.”

“We’re men Dee, normal clothes are our outfits. Now will you just put in the tiniest effort possible and try to be on our level right now? We don’t look very equal and team-like if you’re wearing the exact same thing as us.”

Dee crossed her arms and leaned forward into Charlie’s face. “Suck my dick.”

“Oh my god I’m done with this.” Charlie walked around Dee’s car shaking his head. “Frank you deal with this it’s your job it’s not my job I’m the mechanic. I’m getting in the car I will wait I’m just the mechanic I’M THE MECHANIC.”

“Okay Charlie I’ll go talk to her, relax.” He pawed at his roommate and maybe-son’s stomach affectionately. “Go in the car I got the air-conditioning blastin.”

“Yeah alright alright.”

Frank then turned to his daughter.

“DEANDRA—“

\- - - 

Mac hit the side of the police scanner. 

“You hear that dude they’re on to us!”

“I think that’s the code for public indecency actually…”

“No that’s it!! We’re being followed! The chase is on! I hear the sirens!”

Sure enough Dennis heard sirens not too.

“Come on back to the ranch! The farm!”

“What?”

“Uncle Jesse’s! Paddy’s! Come on step on it, Luke! Blow the horn!”

Dennis could not help feeling somewhere in the pit of his god-hole some appreciation for the enthusiasm Mac was displaying next to him. He laid into the unsatisfying horn of his chariot again, the sound this time managing to be completely satisfying, and together they roared home.

\- - -

Frank had just finished shoving Dee behind the wheel of her car. Charlie was sitting in the back with Dee’s racing outfit badly folded on his lap. 

“Can we just get to the track now so we can get this show on the road.”

“How do you even know where to go for street racing in Philly Frank.” Dee deadpanned hatefully.

“I got a guy. Now come one, pull out.”

Dee was looping around to get her car into the road when the sounds of horn being slammed mercilessly filled the air.

“What the hell is that?” 

Was all Dee had time to say before all three of them were launched forward against their seatbelts. There was a moment of stunned silence before Dee let out a strangled shout and began clawing at her seatbelt, airbag, and door handle all at the same time.

She dove out of the car and ran to the driver side of the car behind her, ripped open the door and knee-ed her twin brother to the ground.

“How. could. you. do. this. to. me. AGAIN.” She had a hand scrunched up into his shirt and the other hovered over his cowering face. “So help me I will stick my thumb in your—“

“She did not have time to finish before Mac barreled over and tackled her to the ground with him.

“I got her Dennis! I got her! Go on get away save yourself!”

“No wayyyy.” Charlie had stumbled out of Dee’s car as well. “You get off my man Mac! She has to race tonight!”

“Charlie she is threatening my man. Bo and Luke stick together!”

“Offff.” Charlie rolled onto the ground next to them and soon it was just a messy, hair-pulling, tackle-y struggle. Spots of blood fell on the hot burning pavement of the road, clothes were ripped, everyone suffered and shouted and there was no one to stop it.

Because moments before Charlie had launched himself to the ground, this exchange occurred:

Dennis wandered next to Frank. “So. I feel like this.” He gestured to the scene in front of them. “Might take a while to sort out. And it is hot as shit out here. Do you want to go inside and grab a beer?”

Frank kept his cross-eyed froggy look on his children for a few moments, then shrugged and followed Dennis inside the pub.


End file.
